I wish I could teleport
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
