Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize