i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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