I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize