I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
