Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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