I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
