Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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