you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
