I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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