the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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