the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Oh god it's open bar.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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