The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Randomize
