i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
