did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
