Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize