Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Did we literally take a cab across the street
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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