Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
