I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I wish I only lived at night.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
