i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
