Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
