my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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