# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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