Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
