listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
