I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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