Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
