just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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