i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
i drank out of a bidet.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
