i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
