I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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