Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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