Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
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