Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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