My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
