just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
