I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
