If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
