Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
