You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
