Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
