I faked an abortion last night.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
