New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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