does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
