watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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