you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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