Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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