I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I deserve this hangover.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
