I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
