I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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