The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
