I'm going to rape someone's good day.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
