Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
