allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
