dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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